DailyKenn.com — [transcript]
Number one is you have to hit the reset button. Now what we're talking about is how to confuse a narcissist. If you have a narcissist in your life, let me be the first to congratulate you because there is a reason why that person is there.
My understanding is that narcissists tend to target people who are vulnerable and vulnerable people tend to be nice people. That is to say, they are unassuming to a fault, pathologically unassuming. They assume — I said they're unassuming but there are some things they assume —
they assume that everybody's a nice guy because they're nice people and you're one of them.
That's what the narcissist sees, they pick up on that. Look at narcissists like, well, Ted Bundy. He was the prince of all narcissists and he would pick his victims by their body language, their nonverbal communication, and just the way they walked.
He knew who to pick on. He knew who to select. And the fact that you have been selected by the narcissist is because, well, he saw something in your body language, in your nonverbal language.
So what you've got to do, number one, based upon my experience, and I've had some experience working with these people and against these people. So my understanding is based on being auto-didactic, self-learning. And I've learned that if you confuse them, that is to say the narcissists, it puts them in a quandary.
And they begin to wonder, did I pick the right person? Maybe my judgment was wrong.
Now we're going to put this all together.
Do you remember when you were a kid? Maybe you still are a kid. I don't know. But when I was a kid, I would build models, model cars, and model airplanes.
I like to build cars more than airplanes. And you take piece by piece, bit by bit, and you'd put them all together. Or maybe you like to do jigsaw puzzles, and you take the pieces and you put them all together.
What we're doing here is we're putting this all together like we do all of our videos. And at the end, you're going to see the entire picture. So the first piece of the puzzle, the first part of the model is to hit that reset button.
Now what we're talking about is resetting your button. That is to say, you need to get, this is my opinion, based upon my experience, you need to get a fresh perspective. And there are two ways to do this.
Number one, you need to find what I call normalcy. You need to take a break from the person that you have identified as the narcissist or the psychopath, usually the same as the one in your life. Take a break from that person.
And you get a new perspective when you don't have them in your view, in your ear all the time. And it's not that easy because when the narcissist has gotten inside your head, and when you try to get away from these people, you're still thinking about them. They're still in your brain.
How do you get them out? Well, what I do is get away from them. Now, my wife is not a narcissist. She's not a psychopath.
But there were times, and I'm using this for illustration, there were times once a year when she would go out of state to visit with her family. And I'd have two, or three weeks by myself. And it would kind of reset my thinking.
Now, this is the opposite of what happens with a narcissist, but I would miss her. What's more, I got to clean the house. Yeah, well, you know, I'm autistic.
I like things in order. My wife likes things in order, but she's more on cleaning. I'm more focused on organizing.
So, yeah, it would reset my button and it would reset my thinking, reset my frame of mind. And I would think how much I missed her. Do that to a narcissist; just get away from him or her for a while.
It's not always easy to do, but if it's a workplace, maybe when you're on vacation, okay, they're still in your mind, but you're away from them. And you try to reset your mind. Remind yourself.
Put yourself in a place where the narcissist is not there. That resets your mind.
Or that is the reset button that you pushed. Well, that's step one of it.
Step two is this, not just getting away from the person, but sometimes to truly hit the reset button and get a refreshed mind is, if it's at all possible, get away from everybody.
Now, what I used to do is I used to go out several times a week and take a walk in a state park, hike. I mean, I was alone and I loved it. And it allowed my mind to reset itself.
Life without all the noise, life without all the people, when I could get back to square one. You know what? That actually works. I still do that.
I don't go out in the state park because it's too far away. I'd walk around the neighborhood, still around people, but I get away. And I just get away from people that I'm close to.
But I get away from people on the internet. I get away from social media. I even get away from YouTube.
Okay, you got a guy on YouTube telling you to get away from YouTube. Well, yeah. I mean, not right now, but you know, this is a strategy that you use at some point in time.
All right, so you're getting away from the narcissist. That's part one of hitting the reset button. You're getting away from all the hustle and bustle of all the people, literal analog people who are in your life.
And what do we call these people that you see on the internet? People like me? I don't know. Let's call them e-people. I'm an e-person, you know, or an I-person.
I'm on the internet. Or an AI person. I'm not the person that you saw in the thumbnail.
So get away from me. Get away from people on the internet and get by yourself. And just hit the reset button for no particular reason other than just that to refresh your mind.
I have a button here on my computer. And it says something to the effect of the restart. I did some research on this and they say if you hit the restart button, you know, they say it does a better job of cleaning up your computer.
I'm not a tech whiz, but I talk to people who are. They say it's better to hit the restart button than to shut the thing down and try to reboot it that way. So hit the restart button.
I mean, you're not turning off your life. You're not going away forever. You're just taking a break.
Go to refresh. Go to reboot. Go to restart.
Hit the reset button. All right. That's the first piece of our puzzle.
We have a little more way to go here. And number two is this. Again, based on my experience, it's all about us.
It's not all about me. It's not all about the person in my life, the narcissist. He or she thinks it is, but it's not.
It's all about everybody. It's all about particularly me and the people that I love, those people that I am obligated to protect, obligated to take care of. And also, I think I have a sense of obligation to everyone to some degree.
Yeah, even to the narcissist. If nothing else, I have an obligation, kind of, to the narcissist to keep him or her from hurting me, from hurting my family, from hurting everybody. But I have to keep in mind that there are certain ethical and legal ways that you can do this.
Now, number three is this. So we understand that we need to find normalcy, that place in our mind where all the noise is gone so we can get back to resetting things so we know what is normal. Number two is we need to keep in mind it's not just about me.
We're doing this for a lot of people. Keep that in mind because I think it's really important. Number three is to look ahead and notice where you are now.
So we got two points of, what would you call this, not two vantage points, but two optical images. Look down at your feet. Say you're taking a walk.
Look down at your feet. See where you are. When I go out and walk, and I do this almost every day, go out and walk, jog, love to do that, and I like to keep track of where I am.
How many miles have I gone? How many miles do I have to go? What's up ahead? Is there a car coming? Yeah, I got to pay attention because I usually walk on the road, don't go out in the park anymore and walk. So I'm looking at two things. I'm looking at where I am, my feet, so I don't trip and stumble, and I'm looking ahead.
Where I'm going, what obstacles I'm going to face, is there a hill I got to climb, and I'm watching my walk. Is it time to jog and then walk? You know, I do that sometimes. Intermittent, I forget what they call it, intermittent sprinting or something to that effect.
I love to do that. But you have to keep your mind focused on where you're going. Now when you're dealing with a narcissist, you need to do the same thing.
Now this is kind of analogous, but you have to keep in mind where you are with the narcissist right at this very moment. Where are you with your narcissist? And that's one of the reasons, you know, you hit the reset button. So it gets you focused on where you really are without him or her monkeying with your mind because they love to get inside your head.
So you get them out of the way, got all the other noise out of the way, and now you're looking where you are now. This is the third piece of the puzzle, and you are looking ahead. Now I don't mean to turn this into a Sunday school lesson, but there is a verse, it's either in Psalms or Proverbs, I can't remember which.
I think it's in Psalms, but it says that you have a lamp for your feet and a light for your path. Your feet is where you are now, and your path is where you're going. So number three, the third piece of the puzzle, is we need to be very conscious of where we are right now, our current circumstances.
And that helps us to determine where we are going. Have you ever been lost? You need to know where you are to find out where you're going. You need to have your vantage point here and now.
I mean, where my feet are now, I need to know. Longitude, latitude, or something akin to that. I recall one time I was coming home from out of state, and I was driving by myself, just for the fun of it.
I decided I'd get off the interstate, and I'd just go cross country. I just headed in the general direction of my hometown, knowing that I'd get lost. I didn't care.
I just wanted to enjoy the trip. And so when I was on my way, I saw a guy, and I knew I was coming to a highway that I needed to get onto. And I stopped and pulled over and rolled down the window, and I asked him, where was it? Where's the road number or whatever? I can't remember.
And he said, well, where are you coming from? I stopped and I thought, what's that got to do with anything? I mean, where I came from, I mean, it's a nice memory, and I enjoyed it, and I learned a lot, but that's not going to help me go where I'm going, right? My vantage point now is something that I need so I can figure out where I'm going. So I need to know where I am, where I'm going. But this guy asked me, where did I come from? Does it matter? No, it doesn't matter.
So I politely drove away and asked somebody else who told me, yeah, it turns out it was like two blocks down. The guy could have told me that, but I guess he doesn't know. So the third piece of the puzzle as we are breaking free, I guess I should say, of the narcissist effect is we need to look ahead, and understand the cause and effect element.
I hope this is all coming together for you, the cause and effect element, because what you do now is going to determine where you will be in the future when you deal with a narcissist. So your present predicts your future. Does that make sense? Yeah, it makes sense.
It's cause and effect. Just that simple. Every effect has a cause, and every cause will have an effect.
So what are you doing right for your feet right now that's going to have the effect that is going to put the narcissist in their place, confuse them to the point where they just want to get out of your life. In other words, you got to have, before the days of GPS, we had these things called maps, but you got to have a GPS. So we've got to have a GPS.
And for a GPS to work properly, you got to have that little thing, you know, on their arrow that shows you where you are. Where are you? And what are your plans? Where are you going? The third piece of the puzzle. Okay, we got that down.
Number four is this. This is going to cause some controversy. So you may disagree with me, and you're welcome to do that, obviously, but leave a comment in the comment section if you want.
But do not go with your gut instinct. Probably 99% of people say, you know, go with your gut instinct. Why do they do that? See, you have two parts of your brain.
You got emotion, that's your gut, and you got cognition. That's your thinking ability. Now, what I suggest you do as you are trying to unload and confuse your narcissist to get him or her out of your life, is you need to use sense, common sense, reason, rationality, and your gut is not your brain.
It is not. Now, I know if you want to go to a nutrition site, they will tell you that, yeah, what you eat affects your thinking. That's not what we're talking about at all.
So don't correct me on that in the comments. Well, you can if you want. I don't care, but that's not what we're talking about.
So we're saying go with your cognition. Okay, so where are you? That was piece number three.
Number four is, now that you know where you are, use your brain to figure out where you're going, not your gut instinct.
Disagree? Fine, I don't care. Disagreement's good. Number five is to find, if at all possible, a sounding board.
Now, this fifth piece of the puzzle, maybe the most difficult, because people in general, at least in my experience, don't make good sounding boards. Because what you want to do is want somebody who can give you good, good, rational, cognitive, not emotional advice. Do you have somebody in your life you can count on to do that? Say, yeah, I used to count on you, if you're like most people, you say yes.
Well, I used to count on this narcissist before I knew he or she was a narcissist and a manipulator. This was a person I could count on, but then I found out I could not count on this person. And now, if you are like most of us, you're probably a little bit timid, maybe outright afraid to share anything with anybody, because you don't know this could be the next narcissist.
Do you have a person in your life that you absolutely positively know that you can trust? Hopefully, you do. Possibly, you do not. Now, I'll just throw this out there.
Take it, leave it up to you. But sometimes, talking to a professional, I mean, a therapist, can help a lot. Because they don't have any skin in the game.
They don't have a dog in the fight, so to speak. It's just, they don't have a horse in the race. I could come up with a couple other analogies.
But they're not an echo chamber. These are people who are professionals, who are trained to help you. And some are better than others.
The one downside of hiring a therapist, this is piece number five, finding a sounding board, is they tend to charge a fee. I say tend, a very few of them don't. The only therapist I've encountered who will talk to you for free, sometimes churches will have a therapist on staff.
That's their quote, ministry. They're paid by the church. There are nonprofit organizations where you can go and talk to a therapist.
But you have to make sure that these people are qualified, that they're truly licensed professionals, that they're going to help you. But that's also true of any therapist. You have to be careful.
But the point is, it helps to get another opinion. And when I say a sounding board and not an echo chamber, I mean that when you, a sounding board typically, you know, lets you know what you sound like. But an echo chamber just kind of repeats what you said.
Say, what's the difference? Well, really, there is no difference. But in my mind, a sounding board listens to you, that is a person who listens to you and gives you honest, rational advice from a different perspective. Whereas an echo chamber, they're just telling you what you want to hear.
We're just telling you what you just said. Confirmation bias. Number six, this is the sixth part of the puzzle, is as you're going through this process of confusing the narcissist, what you need to do is ask what, ask yourself, ask what matters the most in your life? Now, keep in mind all along, this is piece number six of the puzzle, keep in mind that all along, we're talking about putting things in perspective.
And one of the best ways to put things in perspective so you can effectively deal with a narcissist is to understand why you're doing this. And again, as we said earlier, it's not just about me or you, it's about us, you, and those who are close to you. One of the ways to determine that is to ask what matters the most in your life.
So attach value, and I'm not talking about money here, attach real value to your process, to your thinking process, to your actions in dealing with a narcissist. There is a good reason. You're not just doing this for revenge or to get this guy off your back, you're doing it for a very good reason.
So what is it that matters the most to you? So say that you're out taking a walk in the woods, okay, you're away from social media, you're away from the narcissist, you're away from people. And as you're away, stop and ask yourself, what is the most important thing in my life? Quick, quick, quick story. We got one more piece of the puzzle, then it's going to be clear.
But a few years ago, okay, 30 years ago, I was at a wedding. And after the wedding, there was a reception. At the reception, there was a family member who was an elderly gentleman, probably in his mid-80s.
He was a South African. And he had built his, he had spent his entire life building a supermarket chain. This was a wealthy guy.
And I was thinking about this, and I said, man, that's tough. That's profit margin in the grocery business is minuscule. I mean, it's very small.
And you got to be really on the ball to make a good deal of money, to make any money, but to make a good deal of money like he did. And then to do that in South Africa, that's a tough market, everything else aside. But he did it.
And as we were talking, he said, well, what was the point? You know, I did all this, I made all this money. He didn't put it in these terms, but this was effectively what he was saying. And now here I am at the end of my life.
And what does all that mean? So we went through life, and he wasn't asking himself what matters the most. He thought he knew and that was money, thinking that money would bring him happiness. And now here he is at a wedding, realizing that, no, other things bring happiness.
And money is okay. I mean, making millions or billions, is perfectly okay. Nothing wrong with that until you get it out of perspective.
You know, it's the love of money that is the root of all evil, not the money. And so apparently what he was thinking is, man, I was loving the wrong thing. The fact that he was rich is not even relevant.
It's that he was focused on wealth instead of on what's really valuable. So as you're dealing with a narcissist, ask yourself, again, why am I doing this? I mean, what really matters in my life? So that gives you an impetus, that gives you a motive, that gives you a tailwind that pushes you ahead, a driving force that says, you know, I'm on a mission here. It's not just putting this guy in his place.
I have a true mission. So the sixth piece of the puzzle is to get it in your head. What matters? Focus on that.
Make that first and foremost. Okay, there's a good reason for this. Number seven is this.
This may not seem important, but this is the final touch, the last piece of the puzzle, and that is to make very few commitments. What does that have to do with anything? You know, during the 12 years I was in the ministry, I performed a lot of weddings. And they would, you know, the groom and the bride would come to the altar, and I'd go through my little speech, my little spiel, and then we'd have the vows.
And the groom would make his vows, and the bride would make her vows, and they would exchange rings. And after they said their vows, I would say to you, so and so, take this person to be your beloved husband or your beloved wife. And it was a very important moment in these people's lives.
I mean, they were getting married. They weren't just having a wedding. They were getting married, and I think some of them didn't understand that.
They were just having a wedding. Anyway, this wasn't a real commitment. And the way that I like to say it, one of the most common lies that I was told during my tenure as a minister was the words, I do.
I don't know how many people told me that lie. I say, do you take this person till death do you part? They say I do. They were lying.
They didn't. I mean, a few weeks, sometimes months, sometimes a couple years, they were, it wasn't, they didn't part by death, you know, till death do us part. They didn't get along with each other.
I mean, shouldn't they have thought this through or worked this out before? They made those commitments. That's an analogy. And the reason we're saying this is one of the reasons we get ourselves into difficulties with narcissists is because, pay attention, it's because they love to get you to make commitments or to feel committed.
Kind of, you know, kind of type of gaslighting where now you really feel obligated. And that's one of the reasons they chose you probably is they figure you're the type of guy who keeps commitments. So they get you to make commitments.
And so now you feel committed. Well, don't make commitments. One of the most effective things I've learned in life, the hard way, but I've learned is to make a few commitments.
A little bit off-topic, but it does apply. That's one of the reasons I don't like to borrow money ever. I have credit cards, but I pay them off almost every week, every Sunday.
That's my day to pay off my credit cards. So I don't owe anybody anything. I don't have any commitments.
Now, it's kind of tough for everyone to do that all the time, but if possible, don't make commitments. And you can start with the little things like if you can't pay cash for it, don't buy it. You know, for years, I drove around in junk cars.
As long as I could get them to start in the morning, which was sometimes tough, you know, I'd drive a junk car. Didn't like to. Wanted to protect my family with a decent working car, but then I wanted to protect my family by not putting them deep in debt.
So as long as the car was running, usually, you know, I could get it started. I was okay, but I didn't want to borrow money to buy one. So what we're saying is this, make a few commitments.
And what you may find is that's very confusing to the narcissist. Are you ready to tie this together? What happens inside the narcissist's mind when he knows you or she knows you are that gullible, naive person who is so easily manipulated. And now you're not that gullible person, naive person who is so easily manipulated.
But then wait a minute, maybe you are, maybe you're not. Maybe you are, maybe you're not. Now you've gotten away.
You've gotten away from him or her. You've gotten away from the noise of people in general. You've hit the reset button.
You're looking ahead. You're doing this cause-and-effect thing, trying to pre-plan the next leg of your journey. You're not thinking from your gut, which is kind of dumb in my opinion.
You're thinking with your brain, cognitive thinking. You're doing, you're taking all these steps, all these pieces of the puzzle. Maybe you've even found a sounding board and a therapist or a trusted friend.
And you know what matters most. You know where your tailwind is. That is those things that are valuable to you, you know, your family, your future, and their future.
And now the narcissist discovers that you're not even making those commitments anymore. And he or she is confused because this way, you're that way, this way, you're that way. Do you remember that song that Elvis sang, Moody Blues? I have got time to listen to it.
It's on, I love to hear it. It's on, it's on YouTube. The narcissist doesn't know who you are anymore.
And he is confused. She is confused. And there is nothing in my mind that will get rid of a narcissist of his own or her own volition more than just being confused because they needs to rely on you.
You need to be a dependable supply, a dependable source. They need somebody who will boost their ego every time, all the time. You're not doing that anymore.
And they don't need it, they can't figure it out. They don't know why. You're just not there like you used to, like you used to be.
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