DailyKenn.com — [transcript] Whatever you do, don't shame the narcissist. Now, I'm being a little bit facetious here because ... why not? They deserve to be shamed. But I'm saying that if you want to see a narcissist explode in all of his or her glory, then go ahead and shame them.
But if you want to protect yourself against that revenge, then whatever you do, don't shame the narcissist. Now, personally, I have no problem. The narcissist needs to be exposed.
Now, his or her soft underbelly, as you know, is his or her ego. And as I'm assuming you already know, they have an alternate ego or an alter ego. That is the person that he or she never shows anybody. The real narcissist is self-centered, egotistical, egocentric. It's all about them.
The entire world is an autobiography. I mean, it's all about them. They're the centerpiece of the story.
Now, everybody has a little bit of that, and we're supposed to because it's not only a matter of being self-confident, but it's a matter of being self-preserving. So we're supposed to be self-responsible, take care of ourselves. But to the narcissist, they go to the extreme.
It's all about them. And if you touch that sensitive underbelly, I mean, just barely reach out and touch it, they just wreathe in pain, not literally, but emotionally. It upsets them immensely.
So let's talk about this. We know how these people perform in front of others, that alternate ego, alter ego. They are so kind.
They're so considerate. They're friendly. They will give you the shirt off their back, or they pretend that they will, and people are convinced that they will.
And sometimes they actually give people things just to deceive them. But you got to keep this in mind, that it's fake. They can't live that way constantly all the time, 100% of the time.
They're really good at it. But still, there is no narcissist on the face of the planet that I know of who can stay in character always, who could always live that alternate ego. Eventually, well, here's how I like to say it.
I like to talk about the dancing dog. You know, dogs don't dance by nature. They walk on all fours.
And eventually the dancing dog, doesn't matter how well he's trained, eventually, he's going to come down on all fours. Same thing is true of a narcissist. Eventually, the true nature of the narcissist is going to shine through.
So you've got this dog, he's well-trained. Maybe he doesn't dance on his hind legs, but maybe he's been extremely well-trained. And you're very proud of your dog until a squirrel runs in front of him.
And then suddenly your well-trained dog takes off. Narcissist. Kind of the same thing.
Okay, they're not literally chasing squirrels, but you know what I mean. Their filter is slips. You know, and we say, oh, that person just doesn't have a filter because, well, it slipped a little bit.
No, what happened was you just caught a glimpse of a monster, the demon that lives inside these people. Figuratively speaking, maybe if you believe in demons, you may think it's, they're literal demons. I don't know.
I think somebody, I think I saw somebody make a video on that. I think I made a video on that, come to think of it. But the reason is that they just can't function because they are so accustomed to living in the alter ego that when you touch their underbelly and you expose them for what they really are, and it takes sometimes just a little touch to expose them, they can't function.
They can't feed themselves. I mean, they become helpless. They're invalids because, you know, a narcissist is all about feeding his or her ego.
That's their craving. That's their appetite. That's virtually all they care about.
So we have this narcissist and they have been empowering other people by keeping these people in what I call their shadow of influence. Or maybe you say their sphere of influence. We call these people enablers and they're supporting the narcissist.
Now, a lot of these people don't even know it because they don't know this person's a narcissist. They believe the alternate ego, but some of them, even with knowing, even after seeing the soft underbelly and knowing the demon who lives inside of this person, that this is a proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing. And they're okay with that because they like to hang out with wolves, you know? So you have enablers who are going to support them because they don't know, and you have enablers that are going to support them because they want to stay in a narcissist shadow.
And so this is what you're up against. That's why we bring this up. So now we want to ask this question.
Once you shame the narcissist by exposing his or her underbelly, by revealing to the entire world or just one or two people who this person really is, how is this person going to react or respond? What are they going to do? Well, number one is they're going to discard you because quite frankly, you are no longer of any use to them. If you can no longer be controlled by the narcissist, if you were not one of those enablers who stays within the narcissist shadow, why do they need you? They're going to discard you. But they have to explain themselves because the narcissist, you know, they're perfect.
At least that's the way they present themselves. But would a perfect person discard you? Okay, they got to explain that because a lot of people like you. A lot of people think you're a cool guy, you know, or cool girl, whatever.
So if he or she, the narcissist is going to discard you, they've got to have a story. And what they typically do is they will blame you for whatever to justify the discard. You're at fault.
I don't know what they'll say, but they may say that, ah, you're a crook, you're a criminal. Or more likely, at least in my experience, the narcissist will accuse you of slandering the narcissist enablers, you know, his circle of influence. And that convinces them that you're the bad guy because nobody likes to be bad mouthed, right? And if your, or his or her circle of influence, their enablers think you have been bad mouthing them, you become the bad guy.
It doesn't matter if it's true or not, right? So the narcissist now is perfectly happy, almost. They've discarded you, they blamed you to justify that discard. And now what they're going to do is they're going to encourage others to discard you as well.
Now, this I've learned from experience. Besides warming up to your circle of influence, they will also encourage as many of those people in your circle of influence to discard you. Sometimes they can't always do it, but at least they can try to keep your circle of influence, circle of influence within their shadow.
And sometimes they get away with it. So now they have this, what we call the army of enablers. And they work on this perpetually.
Every narcissist I've ever known constantly is working on bringing people into their shadow and keeping them. They love that control. They've got a flock of followers and they are the shepherd.
Only the shepherd is a shepherd in wolf's clothing or a wolf in shepherd's clothing. Sorry, I said that backwards. Now, next step is, you know, smear campaign and all these enablers are going to be participants in that.
And that's one of the reasons why they developed this army of enablers. So when they let loose with a smear campaign, they've got them ready to go. Why are they doing this? Well, it's because they have an objective and that is to heal the wound.
The wound? What was the wound? Well, it was the exposure of their ego. So they have a wounded ego. And to them, that's a massive problem.
So you have shamed them by exposing them and they have to return the shame so they can heal themselves, heal their ego. And typically, often, in my experience, they get away with it, but not always. Because sometimes the shame becomes so obvious to others that it's beyond healing.
And that's, I hate to say it, but that's a wonderful thing. When a narcissist is outed, and he can't do anything about it; she can't do anything about it. Now, they are never completely, at least I've never seen a narcissist, who is completely without that circle of influence.
You know, those enablers, that army of enablers, they always have somebody. But what happens is they find that whatever they did to you is now happening to them. They discarded you, and now their circle of influences is discarding them, because they've been found out.
And their effort to heal themselves backfire. It doesn't often happen. My experience is it seldom happens.
But it can happen, and sometimes it does happen. And, you know, that's a pretty good feeling to know that the narcissist no longer has control over you, and is so frustrated with trying to keep you under his or her control through a smear campaign, they just give up. So you've gone gray rock, you know, you've discarded them.
And when they discarded you, they didn't really discard you. They just changed their mode of operation. But then when they find that smear campaign no longer works, then they have an absolute, what I call an absolute discard.
That's highly unlikely to happen, but I have seen it happen on occasion. An absolute discard where they find it just too painful, just too hurting to their soft underbelly to even deal with you. So out you go, and they're not going to talk about you behind your back.
They're going to do nothing. They may do a little bit, but they may find that backfires, because everybody knows the truth when they do that. And the more they talk about you, and the more they try to deal with you, the more the talk goes around the circles of influence, and it just backfires every time.
So shaming a narcissist with a soft underbelly, and all of them have it, is a strategy that can work. It doesn't often, but it can work. Something to think about.
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