DailyKenn.com —
• Ask Yourself Who You Are:
Narcissists distort self-perception to maintain control.
Identify your true self, separate from narcissist influence.
• Understanding Narcissists:
Narcissists seek to control, often projecting their faults onto others.
They engage in smear campaigns to portray themselves as victims.
• Recognize Your Independence:
Reject the idea of belonging to the narcissist.
Embrace your freedom and independence from their control.
• Take Charge of Self-Management:
Accept responsibility for your well-being.
Seek resources to break free from abusive situations.
• Believe in the Opposite:
Counter narcissistic gaslighting by embracing the opposite of their narratives.
Recognize that their imposed feelings and perceptions aren't real.
• Focus on Changing Yourself:
Accept that you can't change the narcissist.
Concentrate on personal growth and learning from past experiences.
• Engage with the Community:
Join supportive communities like YouTube channels to share and learn from others' experiences.
Participate in discussions and share your insights.
Subscribe, like, and engage with content to stay informed and connected.
[transcript]
Number one is you need to ask yourself a question and answer the question. We're going to tie all these together in just a moment. We're talking about how to rebuild yourself after you have been dismantled, destroyed by the narcissist. And yes, you can rejuvenate, but number one is you need to ask yourself this question and give yourself an honest answer.
Honest is important, but ask this question. Who am I? What is my identity? And here's the reason that is so important. The narcissist will try to distort your self-perception to make you think that you are dependent on him or her. You can't live without this person in your life controlling you. It is in your best interest to have this person controlling you. This is the thought or the thoughts the narcissist, in my experience, have put in my mind. How am I going to live without my friend? Or maybe, you know, I owe my friend. I mean, he's my friend. I'm a nice guy. I take care of my friends. I've got character. All these thoughts are hurling around inside my mind, and I'm not aware that the narcissist put them there so that he or she can control me.
I'm a different person under the control of the narcissist. I'm not who I really am. So what I want to do is I want to stop when I find myself in that situation, and I want to ask myself the question, Who am I really? And, you know, who do I identify as? If I'm being honest, not the person that I want to be, or not the person that the narcissist wants me to be, but who am I really?
You know, cults do this. They will change your sense of identity. Sometimes some cults, they even give you a new name. I don't know that narcissists do that, but they might. I mean, in some love relationships, it's very normal, you know, romantic relationships, intimate relationships, it's kind of normal to have these special names, you know, for the person we love. You might call them commonly, we call them honey, which I don't call my wife honey, because honey is gooey and sticky, and I don't like honey that well, you know. But it's sweet, right? Or we may call a loved one baby. I never understood that one. To me, it's kind of an insult. But, you know, I guess because babies are cute and cuddly, and our loved one is cute and cuddly, so we want to cuddle. Why don't you call them a stuffed animal? You know, some people do. You're going to call them cupcake. That's something I like. I like cupcakes. We call loved ones cupcakes. We have these names we call other people.
I'm not talking about that. But a narcissist may use those names. And there's nothing wrong with calling people those, you know, special names for our loved ones. And the narcissist understands that, takes advantage of it. So in a cult, they will literally give you a new name, changing your identity. And that new name identifies you with a cult. And the narcissist may give you one, particularly in a romantic relationship, may give you one of those cupcake names. And there's nothing wrong with that, unless it's being used to control you. So be careful. You know, go ahead and call your loved one a cupcake, or baby, or honey, or whatever gooey stuff you want to call them. Nothing wrong with that, unless it's being used to control a person. But what they're doing is they're trying to change your identity, your self-perception, and they also want to change how others perceive you.
Number two, who is the narcissist? I can answer that question. The narcissist is a controlling nobody, who in many cases wants to be you. They want to trade places. You know, they admire the ability that you have of being altruistic. You have this ability of caring and compassion for others. They don't have that. So they want to switch places. And by pretending to be you, in their mind, they become you, and you kind of become them. Suddenly, they're the good guy. They're the one with empathy, and you're the one who is mean and evil. And when they engage in the smear campaign, that's exactly what they do. They make you out to be the narcissist, and them to be the victim. They switch places with you.
All right, so number one is, who am I, and whose am I? We're answering that question. Number two, who is the narcissist? Well, the narcissist is a narcissist. This is somebody to stay away from. Congratulations, you answered the question. How hard was that? But, you know, that's a big step to come to the full reality that this is not my friend. This is not my love interest. This is a manipulator.
And it sounds easy, right? But it's really not. Because those memories that have been implanted in your mind, you know, the good times, when you had fun together, when you talked together, when you went someplace together, and you enjoyed this person's company, those are still in your mind. And it was those other memories that began to creep in, experiences of being controlled, that told you, you know, this friendship was really kind of fake, but the memory is still there. So it's not that easy always to break free. Because sometimes, even if you know the narcissist is a narcissist, and you see the narcissist, and those good memories come to the surface, even though they're fake, and you latch on to them.
Have you ever noticed when you're around a narcissist, and you're around other people, the narcissist wants to make it very obvious that you are in a controlling relationship, and he or she is in control of you. They may humiliate you, they may say things that belittle you, they make fun of you, they do all these little things, signaling to others that they are in control, and you are being controlled.
So okay, so who are you? Be careful with this one, because you've got to face reality. Again, it's not who the narcissist wants you to be, who's the cult wants you to be, or how you identify according to some crazy ideology that happens to be the ideology of the day. Who are you really? What is your name? Start with that, your birth name, the name that you were given when you were born. Maybe you change your name, that's okay, but what's your name? My name is Ken. Okay, that's a good start. What is my gender? Well, there's two, I'm a male or female. It's not what you want to be, it's what you really are, and if you don't know what you really are, just check out your chromosomes. That answers the question very quickly. Okay, now you're starting to focus now, laser focus on your reality.
Number three, who's am I? Not who am I, but who do I belong to? I mean, who is responsible for me? Are you independent? I mean, are you a child? You're 16, 17 years old? Well, your parents are probably responsible for you, but guess what? As you mature and get older, you know, in those teen years, you become more and more responsible for yourself, and the cutoff age is like 18. That's an arbitrary number, but after 18 and above, you're considered, at least in the eyes of the law, responsible for you.
The narcissist is not responsible for you, and they won't take responsibility for you if you get yourself in a jam, but suddenly, they no longer want you under a sphere of influence if you get yourself in trouble. In fact, they told you, you know, they'll find out why about it. They told you not to do that, even though they didn't, but outside of that, you are their charge. They are controlling you. Psychologically, they are controlling you, and you have to stop and ask yourself the question.
Okay, we know what your name is, know what your gender is, other identities, your religion Your ethnicity, and all those things. You've identified yourself. Now, you're going to ask yourself the all-encompassing, important freedom question. Who's am I? You do not belong to the narcissist. You just don't. You may think you do.
They may have you caught in that snare, that trap, and that trauma bond, but that's all fake. You know, that's something we need to break free from. We become dependent on the narcissist, and it's time to declare Independence Day for you.
This is going to be your July 4th, your Independence Day. You're going to be free, and by the way, we're going to tie all this together in just a few minutes, but this is your Independence Day. You're no longer dependent on the narcissist. You're free at last.
You're free to get off a narcissist's farm. You're not his cattle or her cattle. You're not a pig in his pigsty. You're not a chicken in the chicken coop. The narcissist is not the farmer. You're not his farm animal that he can use and abuse as he pleases.
You know, farmer feeds his cattle, right? And he takes care of his chickens. And the narcissist slash farmer takes care of you, right? They feed you because they want to take advantage of you later. They want to sell you. They want to butcher you. They want your eggs.
That's all it is. They're not feeding you because they love you. They're feeding you. They're being friends to you or being a love to you because they want to take advantage of you like a farmer takes advantage of his farm animals. You're just a possession. But now you realize it and you're getting off the farm and you're leaving.
You're taking off. Today is your Independence Day. No more. Not going to put up with it. Not another day, not another second. I'm out of here.
Number four is this. Make them change and conform to you. Okay. You've left the farm. You're out of here. You're gone. I think that's a good analogy, by the way. If you agree with me, let me know in the comment section. But just a good analogy, Ken, and give me a thumbs up. And when I see your comment, I'll forget that I said this and I say, what's he talking about? But anyhow, make them change to conform to you.
Well, who is the new you? Well, the new you is no longer on the farm. And the narcissist may come and chase you down, trying to bring you back, hoover you back in. But you're going to have to teach him the lesson, the new reality that you're not his possession. You never were. You pretended you were because you didn't know any better.
Now you know better. Now you're free. You're gone. And eventually the narcissist is going to have come to terms with the fact that you are no longer under his or her control. And yes, there will be that smear campaign. It's inevitable. It happens. But the positive thing about the smear campaign, I need to do a video just on that.
The positive thing about the smear campaign is that is a signal that the narcissist no longer controls you. And so they try to control you by smearing you. That's a mark of friendship. No, not a mark of friendship. It's a mark of freedom, I should say. You're free. That's why they're doing this.
If they thought you were their possession, they're not going to destroy their possession to the point where they can't control you. Right? So that's, you know, the smear campaign means that you've been discarded. You want to be discarded. If it's a narcissist, you want out of there.
Number five, and again, we're going to tie all this together in just a moment. But now that you're free, what? Self-management. You're not under control of the narcissist anymore. You can't control yourself. Completely, totally 100%. Within reason. I understand nobody is totally 100% free. We have government officials. We have civil responsibilities.
But I'm talking about in relationship to narcissists, we need to manage ourselves. Think of yourself as me incorporated, and I am the CEO. I'm in charge. I am responsible for my well-being. Not egotistical, but responsible. I'm in charge. I'm in control of me. I'm supposed to manage myself.
I'm not the ward of anybody else. I'm not the ward of the farmer, you know, the narcissist. I got to manage myself now. He's not going to feed me. I need to feed myself. He or she is no longer going to meet my emotional needs. I need to make sure those are met myself. I need to find a way to do that. Some narcissistic cases, literally the narcissist is feeding you financially.
If you have an abusive relationship, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm talking about a domestic relationship. A lot of times people get caught in that trap. It's financial. What am I going to do for a living? How am I going to eat? How am I going to survive if I don't subject myself to the abuse of the narcissist?
Well, you need to manage yourself. You need to find a way out of there. There are resources to help you get free if you truly are being a victim of domestic abuse.
Number six, you need to believe in the inverse. Believe in the opposite of what the narcissist has been telling you. How do you know what is real? I mean, you have been under the control of the narcissist so long. You've lost control, maybe, of what reality really is. Well, I can tell you it's just the exact opposite of whatever the narcissist put in your mind.
The narcissist, you know, they like to gaslight people. They want to make you and others feel like that you are a loser. And of course, they are the controller, right? The exact opposite is now true. You are not the person who is being controlled. You're not the loser. You're not the idiot that the narcissist tried to make you out to be.
You're not the bad guy that he or she tried to make you out to be. And I think if you've been dominated by a narcissist, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You know when the narcissist belittled you in front of others, that was not reality. The opposite is reality. And those feelings that you had, whether they were positive or negative, those were imposed upon you by the narcissist. And you need to understand those aren't real.
Those good feelings were fake, the bad feelings. That's not the way you're supposed to feel. You're supposed to feel good genuinely, not because somebody gave you permission to feel good. Well, what if the narcissist doesn't like it? What if the narcissist doesn't agree? Well, if that thought's floating through your mind, maybe you're not free yet. You need to go back to Independence Day, right? And Independence Day, hey, we celebrate it every year, July the 4th. So sometimes we got to go back and revisit our independence.
And the narcissist does not have to agree with what we're doing. Are you ready to tie this all together? And it's this. Don't change them. You can't change you. Now you can change their perception of you. You can change their thinking that you are no longer the big cat, the big fish they thought you were. You can change that.
They can realize that you're no longer worth pursuing. But ultimately, you're not going to change the narcissist because they're on this hamster wheel. They're on the cycle, this behavioral cycle. They're not going to get off of that. It's a roulette wheel.
Only it never stops. So you're not going to change the narcissist. He can't be changed. It's innate. It's congenital, no doubt. Probably congenital. It's pathological.
But you, focus on, this is advice I'm giving to myself, is focus on changing yourself. And I'm going to change myself by realizing that I'm no longer in control of the narcissist. That's how we tie all this together. Because we don't focus on changing them or getting back at them or revenge against them. I'm just going to change me.
I'm going to realize that I got caught in a trap and I'll probably get caught in another one. But I'm going to use my experience next time to get out a little bit sooner, a little bit wiser. Hey, I'm in my seventies. I've gone through this time and time again. Each time I'll learn something new and now I'm sharing it with you. That's why I have this YouTube channel.
So if you got something out of it, you're encouraged to join our family. Just subscribe to our YouTube channel. Give the video a thumbs up if you want. And when you subscribe, the importance of clicking the bell, as you know, is that tells YouTube to tell you when we upload new videos, so you can watch them. Also leave a comment, join the conversation, start a conversation, participate in what we're talking about. And yeah, I'd like to hear from you.
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