DailyKenn.com —
• Number one cue: Nonverbal cues like the "cold shoulder" where someone intentionally turns away or ignores you, signaling dislike or disinterest.
• Number two cue: Crowd control or competition where individuals oppose your suggestions or desires to assert dominance.
• Number three cue: "Everyone but you" phenomenon, where you are intentionally excluded from activities or decisions.
• Number four cue: Disinterest, where others show no interest in engaging with you.
• Number five cue: Dismissiveness, where others invalidate your opinions or ideas without consideration.
• Number six cue: Missing sarcasm or mockery, leading to misinterpretation of social cues.
• Number seven cue: Persistent agitation or disdain in response to your presence.
• Number eight cue: Taking pleasure in your failures or attempting to make you appear incompetent.
• Number nine cue: General fault-finding, criticizing everything from appearance to speech.
People with autism may miss cues more often due to differences in understanding nonverbal communication compared to neurotypical individuals.
I may have misnamed this video. As I was going through these nine points, it occurred to me that most of these I catch; I really don't miss them. So you tell me, do you catch these or do you not? I'd be kind of curious which ones stand out in your mind.
Number one is what most people would call a nonverbal cue. It's commonly referred to as the cold shoulder. Sometimes this one can be painfully obvious. Have you ever walked into a room of people and there's one individual more so than any other? As soon as they see you, they may give you a fleeting glance, and it's almost like they intentionally, purposefully, willfully turn their back on you. Now maybe we're overreading something, maybe there's something there that we're reading too much into it, so we're missing the cue in that sense. But other times we miss it because we're not watching for it. Have you ever had that experience walking into a group of people and there's somebody who just kind of makes it clear, "I don't like you," and you never met this person before? You don't even know who they are, but they have sized you up by virtue of the way that you present instantly.
Number two is what I call crowd control or competition. That is a person who says the exact opposite of what you say. They listen to what you want to do and they take the opposing position. For example, you say, "Hey, let's go this place for dinner," or "Let's do this tonight," or "Let's play this game," and they will say, "No. Let's do let's play this game or let's go to this restaurant we'll go somewhere different not that it really matters but they just want to be in control you know that's how they do it by the way in the hive mind they are constantly struggling to become the alpha everybody is struggling climbing the social entity toward that alpha position and you're just somebody to be climbed over someone to be climbed upon but it seems like sometimes they single you out they don't do this to other people they just kind of do it to you whatever it is you want to do they want to do the something different or whatever opinion you have they have a different a different opinion you may have a political opinion they take the opposing position you may have a religious position they take a different religious position not that they really believe it but it's just a position different from yours.
The third thing we sometimes miss, sometimes don't, is what I call everyone but you. And that is, they're making a decision, maybe to go somewhere or do something that's kind of vague. I know, but for some reason you are left out intentionally willfully left out do you do you pick up on that or is that something you miss until it's too late and this works backwards I mean there have been people that I have intentionally left out and they didn't pick up on it I know years ago I used to like to sing and would form quartets or whatever you know in a church context and sometimes it be this guy who's tone deaf didn't want to join in and how do you tell this guy you know they tone deaf you don't you can't do it but they do it anyhow so I guess that works two way but ways but everyone but you the point of that being there sometimes when they exclude you it's not personal in the sense that they don't like you but there could be a good reason they don't want you to go for example if there's a bunch of women and they want to get together and go out obviously they're going to exclude me I don't take that personal I don't even want to be there but other times people just nah they just don't like me.
The other thing is, this is number four of nine, and we're going to tie these together in just a moment: disinterest. They are not interested in you. They don't want to have a conversation with you; they didn't want to talk to you. You are just kind of a non-entity, a nonperson. You're not invisible because they will kind of insult you sometimes to let you know that they don't like you.
Number five is they are dismissive, and what I mean by that is it's not that they have an alternate opinion, like we said before. They may have a different religious view, different political view, but they're not being different; they're being dismissive. Whatever it is you say, whatever idea you have, they will tell you why it's wrong, or they may just talk over top of you.
Number six, you may miss sarcasm. A lot of times, people with Autism, they will miss sarcasm, they will miss mockery. You think people are just having fun, so you kind of sometimes, I know some people with Autism, when people mock them and make fun of them, they join in. They mock themselves thinking they're just being part of the crowd. This is because, I guess, we don't understand how they think in the high of Mind, in the neurotypical high of Mind.
Number seven is just agitated by virtue of your presence. You know, it's that thing we talked about earlier. You walk into the room, and some people, like the cold shoulder, they just ignore you or turn away from you. But this is persistent. It's not just when you walk into the room, but it's just your presence, the fact that you were around. They're constantly rolling their eyes when you try to talk, or they are signaling to other people that you're not to be taken seriously, that you're kind of a joke, or maybe that, well, they're just condescending. They just make it clear to you and others that you are not to be accepted. Ah, that's a real problem if you're in the workplace, right? Because you need to be accepted to function in the workplace.
Number eight is they take pleasure when you fail, and I don't know if that's because you're Autistic or because they're just jerks, but probably it's a little bit of both. And if you do something wrong, they love to point it out. But here's another thing I've noticed about this particular cue: you may not be a failure, but they will try to make you look like a failure. So whatever you do, whatever you suggest, let's do it this way, they will point out why that doesn't work, or why that possibly can't work, and how you are so stupid for even thinking of that, even though it's a perfectly good idea. Pleasure in your failure. And if you actually do fail, actually do something wrong, they gloat over it, and they want to make sure that everybody else notices. Now, maybe not because you're autistic, but often if you are autistic, that plays a significant role.
Then number nine is just general fault-finding, not just in failure, but in everything you do. I mean, the way you wear your hair, the way you wear your clothes, or the clothes you wear, the way that you talk, the words that you use. If you just happen to slip up in your grammar or you don't pronounce a word correctly, they will point it out, and they make sure everyone else hears it too. What are they doing? Um, I guess that's just again another way of climbing toward that alpha position, which is what they do in the hive M. They are always persistently in that process, all of them, all at the same time, of trying to climb up toward that alpha position, and the way they do that is to find fault in others. But when you have autism, they see you as an easy target.
We talk about this a lot, but they, you're the low hanging fruit so they go out of their way to find fault in everything that you do, and they're more than happy for you to be excluded. It gives them a sense of victory, it feeds their ego, it makes them feel like they're a little bit more Alpha than they were prior.
Alright, let's tie these things together. What happens when you have autism is you normally miss cues. Now, I think people with autism pick up on more cues than sometimes we're given credit for, but we miss more cues than people in the neurotypical hive mind because we're not a part of that. I mean, those people live in that environment because that's the way they think, that's the way their mind is constructed genetically, I suppose, from birth or before birth. I mean, it's congenital, and they do it. This non-verbal communication, they do it inherently. Whereas to us, it's a foreign language.
Okay, you can learn a foreign language, you can pick up on cues, and I'll give you an example. And if you live in Australia, I want you to tell me if this is true or not. But if I see a classic car, I'll give the driver a thumbs up. Or sometimes, if I'm driving in my old car or pick-up truck, people will give me a thumbs up, like, "Hey, I like your car." But I had a guy in Australia tell me one time that you don't give people a thumbs up in Australia because that's kind of like giving them the finger. And I thought about that, and again, I don't know if it's true or he's pulling my leg because being autistic, I can't always tell. But if it were true, that would be a good analogy of how people who are autistic don't necessarily read or understand the language of the people who live in the hive mind.
I mean, we're speaking the same language, but there are subtle differences they all understand. But to us, we don't understand it. So we think we're being kind and considerate, even positive. And sometimes the things we say and do, they see it as an insult.
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