If you, my friend, are entangled with a narcissist....
You are in the fight of your life. I mean, seriously. You are fighting for your reputation, maybe your resources, possibly your job, maybe your marriage or children, and you are fighting for your very sanity.
You need strategies that work. And the best strategy is to know your enemy, and I gotta tell you, if a narcissist is set to destroy you, that person is your enemy.
Here are ten things you should avoid doing when contending with a narcissist.
BEFORE YOU'RE ENSNARED
1. Do not justify or excuse their behavior
Years ago my parents were dealing with a narcissist. I made a huge mistake by encouraging my mom and dad to be a little bit understanding.
"She doesn't mean to be mean," I advised them.
"She would never intentionally hurt anyone."
"You know, we all have our flaws."
But guess what. Years later that same narcissist turned on me. That was when I realized what she was putting my parents through. Sad to say, both my parents are now gone and how I wish I could go back in time and warn them: Stay away from her!
2. Don't allow them to groom you.
Now, when I use the term 'groom' or 'grooming' I'm referring to what most call 'love bombing' or 'hoovering'. The reason I use 'grooming' rather than 'love bombing' is because 'love bombing' suggests a romantic relationship.
What is grooming? Easy. Walk onto a used car lot and within seconds the friendliest guy you ever meet will approach you. Why is he so friendly? He's trying to build a relationship with you so he can take advantage of you by selling you a car.
Think of narcissist as used car salesmen on steroids.
3. Don't chase the carrot
After the narcissist has won your confidence, he or she will try to keep you in his or her sphere on influence by enticing you. "It's going to get better and better if you just hang with me and let me have my way," they say. But instead it gets worse and worse.
The narcissist will say, "If you leave me, you'll be sorry. You're going to miss out on my wonderfulness." No, they may not say that literally, but that is the thought -- the carrot -- they will dangle in front of you.
ONCE IN THE WEB
4. Don't expect improvement
No, the narcissist will not see the errors of his or her ways. They may fake it to keep you in their web, but they will continue to take advantage of you. So when is the best time for you to walk away? ASAP.
Keep this in mind: I have lost more by staying with narcissists than by leaving. So ask yourself honestly: What do I have to gain or lose by leaving? What do I have to gain on lose by staying? I can answer the second. You have little to gain and everything to lose. That's why we refer to victims as "supply". Narcissists are parasites. They take far more than they can give.
5. Don't expect apologies and admissions
Narcissist don't apologize. They never admit they are wrong. Now I say, 'never,' I mean never with sincere contrition. Only when it benefits the narcissist does he or she admit wrong doing and even then it is a ploy, a head fake; a false humility to throw you off.
6. Don't expect reciprocation love and loyalty
If you are an empath or even an Aspie, as I am, you likely have a strong sense of loyalty. You are by your very nature a loving, considerate, and empathetic person. That's why you are called an empath. We expect others to think and behave the way we think and behave. It's akin to theory of mind.
Narcissists love themselves. Narcissists are loyal to themselves. You mean nothing more to them than a wad of toilet paper to be used and discarded.
GETTING UNTANGLED
7. Don't say anything or write anything.
That is the ideal. The more you say, the more they will have to use against you. The more you write, the more they will have to use against you. Here's a simple principle: Learn to deflect questions.
And when you must write or say something, never use the narcissist's name. Beware. It's not beneath a narcissist to record you conversations. And, by the way, recording conversations is something you may want to consider if it is legal in your state.
8. Don't justify yourself
There is no need to tell the narcissist he or she is wrong. They already know that. They know you are their victim.
9. Don't give them room for retaliation
The more you say, write, and justify, the more the narcissist will have to use against you.
10. Don't fight back
These people love to fight. The most devastating thing you can do to a narcissist is invalidate them by ignoring them.