DailyKenn.com — [transcript]
Number one: They are so very predictable. Now, what we're talking about here is the fact that we need to have our radar on. We need to be on the outlook for narcissists, the bad guys, because they're everywhere.
What is it? 1-2% of the population. You are going to encounter these people at some point in time in your life, probably. You already have, and you know how bad it hurts.
We need to go through a refresher course and keep ourselves alert. We're going to talk about these 12 things. Then we'll tie it all together at the very end.
The end is always the most important part of our presentation. The first thing I've noticed about my experience with narcissists is I'm in my 70s. I've learned a thing or two, and now I'm sharing with you what I've learned.
What I've learned is they are so very predictable. When I first started studying and learning about psychopathy and narcissism, it occurred to me that I was reading about some of these people I knew. It's kind of like the author of the book knew this person personally, and he was writing about this guy, or there's more than one, about these people.
The reason is because there's a pattern there. They're predictable. You don't see the pattern at the very onset.
You already know that. But in time, you begin to see the pattern, and when the pattern emerges, that's when it's time to leave. Again, we're going to tie all this together at the end, but I want you to imagine the sunrise.
It takes time. Imagine the sunrise taking several months or several years. At first, it's pitch black, but then you get a little bit of luminance, and then a little more luminance.
Then, all right, you can start seeing outlines, and then you can start seeing things a little bit more clearly. That's how it is in dealing with a narcissist. At the very beginning, it's virtually impossible to tell this person is a narcissist because they're very good at covering it up.
They're very good at masking it. They're very good at pretending. You don't want to assume that everyone is a narcissist, but you want to assume that everyone possibly is a narcissist.
Otherwise, you have to dismiss everybody the first encounter. At first, you don't see the pattern, but here is the pattern in very basic form. This is why they're predictable.
• They love bomb you.
• They slowly begin to control you.
• They take advantage of you through scheming and scamming.
• They discard you, and along comes the smear campaign. That's been going on all along. They just turn it up several notches.
That's predictable. This is what I see in people that I know that are narcissists.
Number two: They are the center of everything. They are the sun, and all the planets revolve around them, but everything revolves around them. They are the center.
They view themselves as smarter than everyone. I mean, just everybody. These are the type of people that would say that when they were in school, they knew more than their teachers.
They've convinced themselves that they actually knew more than their teachers, maybe once or twice, they knew something that their teacher didn't know. That's probably true of everybody, but to the narcissist, that is evidence that they're smarter than the teacher, even though 99.99999% of the time, the teacher was smarter than them. They focused on that tiny little morsel, scintilla of evidence that suggests that maybe they knew something that the teacher didn't know.
They cling to that. They're smarter. They have to have their own way.
I'm pausing because I'm letting you take a moment to think about somebody that you know who's done this. They've got to have their own way. Even when it's obvious they're wrong, they've got to have it their own way, even when they know the outcome is going to be adverse.
You've known people like that at work, right? They have to do it their way, even though it's the wrong way, because their way is the right way, even though it's wrong. Does it make sense to us? It makes perfect sense to the narcissist.
Number three: You begin rather to feel like you are manipulated.
All right, now the sun is starting to come up. So you've been living in darkness, thinking that this is your good friend, this is a genuine love interest. You've got this great romance going.
You didn't see that the whole world revolves around them, but now that you're being manipulated, you're starting to have these kind of shallow doubts about this person. And I guess that's true of anybody you know, because you don't know anybody at face value. You've got to get to know people.
But with a narcissist, what you're getting to know is, this person is manipulating you. Am I sure? Well, it seems so. And typically what happens is, at this stage, you don't want to overthink it, because you might be wrong.
This is the self-talk going on inside your head. And maybe you are wrong. Maybe this is not a narcissist.
Maybe you are overreacting. But if it's a narcissist, same reaction. You're going to have these questions in the back of your mind.
You're feeling like you're being pushed into making decisions or choices. They just aren't what you would do if it weren't for the influence of these other people. You notice they're playing emotional games to control you.
That if you don't do this, they're really going to be hurt, or they're going to be mad. One or the other.
Number four: They start to bully you through intimidation. This is where the light really starts to come on
Now, have you ever wondered why people bully other people? I mean, why do they do that? Well, they get something out of it. There's some kind of pleasure they get out of it. But there's another reason they do it, is they want others to see them bully you, because that shows that they are in control.
Shows others they're in control. They want you to fear the consequences of being bullied. Now, what they will do sometimes, for example, well, let me stop and say this.
It is important for the narcissist to communicate to you what they fear, if that makes sense. So, if a narcissist says, you know, I know this guy that you had a problem with in the past, and I'm going to call him. What the narcissist is revealing that he doesn't want you contacting people that he's had problems with in the past.
So, it's kind of a tell, you know. You're finding out what hurts the narcissist when they start telling you what they're going to do to hurt you. And they want you to fear those consequences.
So, pay close attention to that, because it's useful information. But they want you to feel helpless. They want you to feel controlled.
They want you to think, well, I better align, get in line with the narcissist's objectives, because if I don't, he's going to call this guy, or he's going to be mad, or he or she is going to leave, or whatever, you know. So, it's an or else scenario. They're bullying you through an or else scenario.
Number five: They have zero empathy. You already knew that, right? Okay, they have zero empathy.
They just don't care about anybody. They don't care about you. Well, they care about themselves.
Typically, they will care about, often they will care about their immediate family, but not always, because, well, if it belongs to them, it's the best. And these are my children, you know, their children can do no wrong. And again, there are exceptions to that.
But they are often very defensive of their family, but outside of that, they don't, their immediate family, but outside of that, no empathy for anybody, but that's not the way they come across at the beginning.
Number six is they are consistently unreliable. I've never known a narcissist that you could depend on.
They're undependable. The reason is they do what they want to do when they want to do it. And if they have an appointment, they don't care.
If they want to do something else, they'll do something else. Now, everyone who does that is not necessarily a narcissist. I know I've missed appointments, so have you.
But in my case, it was just being absent-minded. In these people's case, it's because they don't care. They just do what they want to do.
Number seven, again, we're going to tie this all together in a moment, but number seven is they have a history of dishonesty. And you can see this pattern. You can see this trend of dishonesty in their lives.
Just flat out deceitfulness. Lying doesn't bother them. They're pathological liars.
Just flat out pathological liars. They will say something that is not true as if it were true. And if you don't believe them, they become offended.
And the thing that I've noticed about these people, it doesn't bother them, even when they're found out, even when you know they're lying. Best you can get out of them is maybe a smirk. You know, oh, well, you should have known that type of approach to it.
So they have what I would call a manipulated version of events that allows them to cover the truth, you know. So I've told in other videos about a friend I had who didn't have a driver's license. And the reason turned out that he had a court appearance and he didn't show up.
So the judge revoked his driver's license until he showed up. He never showed up. So he never had a driver's license.
But he did have a cover story. And his cover story was he was a superior in the sense that, and they always project themselves as superior. They always have a superior higher reason.
And his superior higher reason was that there is this movement, new world order, manipulation of other people and the driver's license is part of it. And he's not going to have anything to do with that. Truth is he just didn't show up at the court hearing, but that's not his story.
So they always have a version of events that covers up the truth. Number eight, they have that backup story that I just mentioned. So they always hide the truth.
And they always, at least in my experience, they always have a backup story. They always have an excuse because it's really difficult for a narcissist to ever admit they did something stupid. We mentioned that before, even when it's obvious they're wrong.
And even if it's obvious the outcome is wrong, they seldom admit to it, even if it hurts them. You know, I've known narcissists who basically are homeless because they just don't want to go along with things, you know? So number six is they are consistently unreliable. Number seven is they have a history and trend of being dishonest.
Number eight, They always have a backup story.
Number nine: They take pleasure when others hurt; when others have misfortunes. They have a morbid or maybe toxic pleasure when other people are hurt.
I recall I've told this story a couple of times, but about, I don't know, 10 years ago, I fell off a ladder and had brain surgery, a little over 10 years ago. And I still have the in the side of my head from that surgery. I have a scar, you can't see it, it goes up my head.
And I had a narcissist friend, quote unquote friend, and he was just flat out giddy. He was happy about that. He took great delight in the fact that I was hurt.
And I noticed a pattern. It wasn't just me, it was everybody. Anytime somebody else was hurt, he was elated.
He got excited about it. He took this toxic pleasure in the misfortunes of other people. Why? Well, he didn't have any compassion.
He didn't have empathy in the fact that you were hurt and he wasn't. That proves that he or she is superior. They'll never fall off a ladder.
Yeah, well, actually would, but they'll never admit it.
Number ten: They try to isolate you:
Now, the sun has risen and now you can start seeing things clearly. And that is they try to isolate you. Now, when they do this, and they've been doing this all along, but when it becomes obvious that they're trying to isolate you from your friends, your family, from your coworkers, from your fellow students, from other people at church, from your neighbors, when they start to isolate you, why are they doing that? Because they know that you are going to communicate to other people.
The truth about them. So it's a self-protective maneuver. It's just controlling besides that.
So what are they going to do? How are they going to convince other people that you've known for years? And maybe they've, they don't even know these people. Well, what they're going to do is they're going to present themselves to your friends as being also being your friend. And guess what? As they talk to this other person, you don't know about Ken or they're talking about you.
You don't know what I know because I'm really close to him. And you know what? And then they will project their own flaws onto you as they're speaking to this other person. That by the way, is a form of triangulation.
And they do that. I've seen people do this to every single person I knew, if they thought they'd get away with it. And the disappointing thing about this is, this by the way, is we're describing the smear campaign.
The disappointing thing about this is, is it actually works. You know, I mean, people believe them. People are gullible.
I mean, people walk by faith, not by sight when they shouldn't. I mean, sometimes what's obvious is obvious. One of their favorite things to do, at least in my experience, may not be in your experience, is they love to accuse their victims of being narcissists, being arrogant.
And the funny thing is, not funny, but I should say the odd thing or the peculiar thing is, other people will begin to see you as arrogant. Just because this guy said he is a really good friend of yours, and he knows for a fact that you're arrogant. And he may even give some examples and people believe him.
Now there may be a few that know this guy and know better, but not very many. My experience has been that other people listen and believe the smear campaign. And that is probably one of the most hurtful things about being the victim of a narcissist.
Not the fact that they steal things. As painful as that is, they may steal thousands of dollars directly, indirectly, uh, you know, stolen opportunities, lost opportunities. But the fact that you're good friends, that you thought were your good friends, you find out that they will listen to a narcissist in a matter of seconds.
Will become your worst enemy. And sometimes they won't even talk to you because the narcissist told them not to, because you're dangerous. So they try to isolate you.
Number 11 is they refuse to acknowledge boundaries, except of course, for their own. They're very protective of their boundaries. That's why the guy didn't show up to court.
You know, laws are for other people. That's why he drives without a driver's license. Laws are for other people.
Those boundaries are for everyone else. But he's driving without a driver's license and you cut him out in traffic. Okay.
Now he's offended that boundary. He sees, even if it was unintentional, hypersensitive to their own boundaries, totally. Well, let's call it hyposensitive to everyone else's boundaries.
So only their boundaries matter. They don't care about your privacy. That's why the smear campaign, they say anything and everything about you.
Those secret details that you were confiding in this person back when you thought he or she was your genuine friend, whole world knows about it. They don't care. They don't respect those boundaries.
These are people who walk into your house without knocking the door. Sometimes, maybe not always. You may be afraid of, you know, you call the cops or whatever being shot, but they will take advantage of you every way they can because your boundaries may as well not even be there.
In their mind, they're not. Just an imaginary line.
And then finally, number 12: They're implacable.
They're implacable. If you prefer, that is to say, you can't please these people. You can't please a narcissist.
Whatever you do or whatever you say doesn't meet their expectations because, well, they're superior to you, obviously. So whatever you say, you said the wrong thing. So you say nothing at all.
Well, what's wrong with you is you're not saying anything. I mean, you can't win. Whatever you do, you did it the wrong way.
Okay, so I'm not going to do anything. Problem with you is you don't do anything. Whatever you do, however you do it, it's the wrong thing.
And if you don't do it, don't say it, it's the wrong thing. Strong indicator that you're dealing with a narcissist and that may emerge early. So let's tie this all together.
What you were dealing with, as we said at the very beginning, are personality traits that in my experience have proven to be very predictable. The problem is it's hard to predict it, but they're a pattern. They're like it's set in stone.
When I first began studying, when I first began researching narcissism and psychopathy, it seemed to me that the author of the book knew this guy personally, like he was writing a story about him just without mentioning his name and other people, not just this guy, but other people as well. The reason is because there's a pattern there. And when you tie this all together and recognize that pattern that we mentioned at the very onset, it makes it very easy, or very clear maybe would be a better word, to fully understand the impact that the narcissist is going to have on your life.
Now you know, I think you know, the best way to deal with these people is just stay away from them. A lot of people like to use the term gray rock, kind of pop psychology. So just act like a rock.
Just don't respond to them like a rock doesn't respond to them. Stay away from them when you can. If you got something out of this video, join our family by subscribing to our YouTube channel.
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And we will see you all next time.
They are so very predictable. What we're discussing here is the need to keep our radar on for narcissists, as they make up around 1-2% of the population. You'll likely encounter them at some point in your life. We'll go through a refresher course on the 12 traits that make them predictable, tying it all together at the end.
The first noticeable trait is their predictability. When I started learning about psychopathy and narcissism, it felt like the author knew these people personally. The reason? There's a pattern, and they are excellent at masking it initially.
At the beginning, it's nearly impossible to identify a narcissist. They are skilled at pretending and masking their true nature. The pattern emerges over time, and that's when it's crucial to recognize and potentially distance yourself.
Love Bombing: They shower you with affection initially.
Self-Centeredness: They view themselves as smarter than everyone, even if evidence suggests otherwise.
Manipulation: You start feeling manipulated, pushed to make choices that align with their agenda.
Bullying: They resort to intimidation tactics, wanting you to fear consequences.
Lack of Empathy: They show zero empathy towards others.
Unreliable: They are consistently undependable, doing what they want when they want.
Dishonesty: A history of deceitfulness and pathological lying.
Backup Stories: Always ready with an excuse, unwilling to admit faults.
Deriving Pleasure from Others' Pain: They take joy in others' misfortunes.
Isolation Attempts: They try to isolate you from friends, family, and other connections.
Boundary Disregard: They refuse to acknowledge or respect others' boundaries.
Implacable Nature: You can't please them; whatever you do is deemed wrong.
Recognizing these traits helps in understanding the impact a narcissist can have on your life. Staying away from them or adopting a "gray rock" approach can be beneficial.
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