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Here are strategies to protect oneself from narcissistic abuse based on personal experiences and insights:
• Assertiveness Over Submission: The author advocates for leaning into assertiveness without being obnoxious or overbearing. This signals to potential narcissists that the person is not an easy target for manipulation.
• Prioritize Interests: The author suggests prioritizing one's interests over a narcissist's selfishness. Narcissists tend to focus solely on their interests and can be manipulative.
• Maintain Composure: Narcissists thrive on chaos, so it's essential to maintain composure and avoid getting drawn into their drama.
• Reality Over Illusions: Narcissists often live in an imaginary world where they see themselves as superior. It's crucial to stay grounded in reality and not feed into their delusions.
• Seek Spotlight, Avoid Negligence: The author advises not shying away from the spotlight and advocating for oneself. This can disrupt a narcissist's control.
• Control Over Manipulation: It's important to exert control and not let oneself be constantly manipulated by narcissists.
• Security Over Sensitivity: Displaying confidence can deter narcissists, who often target sensitive and vulnerable individuals.
• Victory Over Victimhood: The author encourages a mindset of prioritizing victory in life's challenges rather than adopting a victim mentality.
Learn to say "no" and stand up for yourself. Prioritize personal growth and self-assurance over succumbing to narcissistic manipulation.
Transcrpt ▼
Number one is I want to prioritize my assertiveness over submission. Now, what I'm saying is this: I don't want to be obnoxious; I don't want to be overbearing; I don't want to be like the narcissist. But I don't want to be submissive either. The reason is because narcissists are looking for submissive people. What we're talking about are the ways that I have learned to bulletproof myself against narcissistic abuse. I'm in my 70s, you know. Over the decades, I've learned a thing or two because I have fallen prey; I have become the victim of a narcissist more than once. It's almost embarrassing how easy I made myself to be their victim, and I didn't even know it. They love bombed me, they love bombed me, and I fell right into their traps. But after a while, you figure it out; you learn what they're doing because narcissists, I'm sure you probably already know, have a pattern. After a while, hey, you learn the pattern, and you learn to recognize it, and you bulletproof yourself. At least, that's what I found works well for me.
So, what do I do when I say "be assertive"? I say, lean into it. Not be obnoxious, not be overwhelming and overbearing, but just kind of lean into assertiveness rather than submission. So that I'm signaling, by the way that I present myself, to any potential narcissist (they're not potential narcissists, but to me, they are because you don't know who they are) that I'm just not worth messing with because I'm a little bit too assertive. They love submissive people because submissive people are easy picking.
Number two is prioritize my interest over their selfishness. Again, that sounds a little bit like I'm being the narcissist, but not really because the narcissist is just selfish. It's all about them. If you fall for that, if you go along with them and accommodate their selfishness, then you're obviously a prime target for their abuse. Okay? They are interested in their interest; they're not interested in your interest. It doesn't seem that way at the very onset because during that love bombing stage, it's all about your interest. They're pretending, but it's all about your interest. They want to make you think that you are first in their life. But over time, that mask becomes translucent. It's no longer opaque, and eventually, it just becomes invisible. It takes a while for that transparency, but we want to prioritize our interest once we figure out this guy is a narcissist, this guy is being selfish. So, I'm not saying it's all about me or my interest comes first over everybody else, but I'm saying prioritize it over their selfishness.
This person's selfishness is all about them. Once you figure that out, exert yourself. Say, "No, I'm not going there. I'm going here. No, I'm not going to say it that way; I'm going to say it this way. No, I'm not going to do it that way; I'm going to do it this way." Because the narcissist has to have his or her way all the time. And when you say, "No, that's not what I really want to do," suddenly, you start to put on this bulletproof vest, and the narcissist sees that they can't get to you any longer. They're not going to waste their time with you because there are easier people to victimize than you. So, they're going to move on to someone else.
Number three is prioritize composure over chaos. And if there's one thing that narcissists love, I've learned over my 70-plus years, they love chaos. They like to get people mad at each other and fighting with each other. Maybe you've worked with people like this. They come into the workplace, and the way they control the environment is they start fights, they start arguments. They say someone is doing it wrong, or they'll get mouthy with somebody. You know, a coworker, they love that chaos. They love people fighting because when they see them fighting as a direct result of their troublemaking, that tells the narcissist that he or she is in control. And man, does that inflate their egos. So, you want to look for those theatrics when they come into your space, wherever that space is. It could be work, it could be school, it could be - I hate to say it, but it could be the home. It could be the church, it could be the neighborhood. But look out for those theatrics. They want to keep everybody upset. If you ever had a neighbor who trash talks you to other neighbors and got them all mad at you or somebody at school that trash talks you to other students, got them all upset with you, you know what I'm talking about. They love that chaos.
Number four, we have eight of these. We're going to tie them all together. By the way, stop and think for a minute about liverwurst. You may say, "Well, what does liverwurst have to do with what we're talking about?" Glad you asked because I'm going to explain that when we get to the end of the video. But number four is prioritize reality over their illusions. Narcissists live in an imaginary world. It's like they live; they've created a daydream, and it's no longer a dream. It's reality. So, they imagine themselves being better than everyone else, but eventually, they come to believe it. And they look for signs that say, "I'm smarter than you." I have had narcissists actually tell me that when they were kids in school, they were smarter than their teachers. Which makes me wonder, "Well, why did you bother to go to school?" That's another thing about narcissists: they don't really think; they just react. They're driven by their illusions, by their narcissism, by their me-first attitude. So, what we want to do is realize there are some people who live in a daydream world where they imagine themselves to be better than everybody else. Just don't play along with it. Live in a real world, prioritize reality.
Number five is prioritize the spotlight over negligence. Okay, I don't want to be in the spotlight all the time, but I don't want to be neglected all the time either. Now, I got to tell you, public speaking, I love public speaking. That's something that I don't know why; I just like doing it. But a lot of people, they get stage fright; they shy away from that. They don't like the spotlight. Well, when it comes to social settings, I shy away from the spotlight, part of being autistic, and I allow myself to be neglected. But I found that one of the ways to put bulletproof armor on against the onslaught of narcissism is to okay, go ahead and kind of nudge your way into the spotlight. So maybe you will want to go to the supervisor and ask him for a promotion. Just kind of lean into it.
You're not demanding anything. You may ask for a raise; you may just stand up for yourself. Because that type of exposure absolutely, positively destroys the narcissist. What the narcissist wants to do, again, in my experience many times, is they want to destroy me; they want to destroy other people. That gives them an ego high. Their supply, their narcotic of choice, is getting their ego boosted. And they do that by neglecting you. Okay, you're a human being; you've got certain talents; you've got abilities, and the narcissist wants those to be neglected. They don't want you using your ability; they don't want other people recognizing, particularly those who are in charge; they don't want other people recognizing that you have capabilities. Because, well, that takes out of their gas tank. Their gas tank is where they store their ego, you know, and they're trying to keep that thing full all the time. They don't want you draining it.
Number six is prioritize control over manipulation. We'll get to the tying together in just a moment. But you want to make sure that you are not constantly being manipulated. So what we're saying here is pull back or push back, but don't let somebody pull your strings all the time. I like to use the analogy of a marionette, you know, the puppet where they pull the strings and the puppet does whatever he or she is forced to do by the manipulator, by the puppeteer. Well, narcissists see themselves as puppeteers. I mean, really, the world is their puppet show, and they like to pull as many strings on as many people as they possibly can. They're not going to waste their time on people who push back. You pull on the narcissist's string, and he says, "I don't want to mess with this guy; I want to pull on somebody's string who will respond." And I can't tell you again how many times I've had narcissists pull my string. It's so annoying. But I've learned when I exert control against the narcissist, tug back, pull back, lean into it, I found that what happens is they don't want to mess with me anymore. So I make myself bulletproof.
Number seven is prioritize security over sensitivity. What I'm saying here is exude an air of confidence. Again, not being obnoxious, kind of like assertiveness, but narcissists don't like confident people. You know, serial killers, how do they choose their victims? They look for people who are vulnerable, people who aren't showing excessive confidence. Because people who show confidence will fight back. They don't want you to fight back; they don't want you to take a stand; they don't want to be exposed. So they don't mess with people who feel secure, who feel confident. They want people who are sensitive. Are you a sensitive person? If you are, guess what? You very well could be the next victim of the narcissist in your life. And you may not even know these people are narcissists until it's too late. So prioritize that sense of being a self-assured, secure, confident person.
Number eight is prioritize victory over victimhood. So those people who turned off the video, they missed it. They shouldn't have; too late. But they're gone. Prioritize victory over victimhood. What I mean is, purpose to win, not just against the narcissist, but in every aspect of life. Purpose to win. And I'm not talking about being the greatest, best on the planet, but I'm saying purpose to win. Well, let's dissect this for just a moment. Let's say that you need to lose five pounds. So victory is losing five pounds. Okay, we're off-topic a little bit, but it does apply. So you can either be a victim of obesity or overweight, or you can be victorious. Well, how do you be victorious? Well, the way that I do it in that context is I remind myself daily, every single day, what I eat today, I will wear tomorrow. I don't mean I'm going to wear it like I'll spill it on my shirt or on my clothes, but I mean wear it in the sense that I'm going to be a little bit more chubby than I want to be. And if I eat, you know, calories count.
I like to count calories. That is to say, I'm very careful to eat what is good for me, not what I like. When it comes to eating food, it's not just that I like the food, but the food has to like me. It has to treat me well. So I want to have victory over the victimhood and apply that across the board, everything in life. What about exercising, working out? Do you do weights or something like that? Maybe take walks? What I want to do is I want to make sure that I don't miss it today. In fact, when I'm done with this video, I'm going to take a three-mile walk. That's a little victory in my life. Now, what happens when that becomes a life pattern? When in everything you do, you're saying to yourself, "You know, when I walk today, I'm going to be a little bit healthier tomorrow. And if I walk every day this week, I'm going to be a little bit healthier next week, next month than I would have been otherwise."
If you focus on the victories rather than on the defeats, being a victim, making excuses, that's going to be a part of your life. You know, an unstable person tends to be unstable in all his ways. So when you have this pattern of "I'm going to be a victor, not a victim," the narcissist picks up on that. You are bulletproofing yourself because they don't want to mess with people who prioritize victory over victimhood. They want you to be the victim. But you, this is what I've learned over the years, purpose to win.
Liverwurst, what is that? I love liverwurst. Absolutely, positively love liverwurst. Probably the only person on the planet that does. I can't be the only person because they sell it in grocery stores, and obviously, somebody else besides me is buying it. So I'm in a tiny minority. But most people don't buy it; they just pass by it. They go to the meat section in the grocery store; man, they got a lot of bologna, they got a lot of hamburger, they got a lot of other stuff, they got a lot of sausage. I love sausage. But liverwurst, there's a tiny little bit of it, maybe one or two packages. Why? Because there's no market for it. So what I'm saying is this: make yourself liverwurst to the narcissist. In other words, be something that you just don't taste good to the narcissist, metaphorically speaking, obviously. Unless you're talking Jeffrey Dahmer, then, you know. But let's tie all this together by saying what we need to do.
Remember we said lean into it? What we're saying is don't shy away when it comes to standing up to a narcissist. Learn the power of saying the word "no." I mean, you learned that when you were a toddler; probably the first word most of us learned was the word "no." But as we got older, we started to acquiesce, we began to give in to other people's interests and desires. We don't want to be selfish; we don't want to be narcissists, and that's good and fine. We don't want to be selfish. But when it comes to bulletproofing yourself against narcissists, that's the time when you don't want to shy away. That's the time when you want to stand up for yourself. Don't be a floor mat and say, "No," to things. I want to accomplish two things when I make these videos: number one, when you get to the end of the video, I want you to have learned something you didn't know when you started watching, and number two, I want you to feel better about yourself than you did when you started watching. There's a dot on the screen, a red dot; click on that, you can subscribe to our YouTube channel, be a part of our YouTube family. There's a rectangle lower left-hand screen; click on that, and you can access our video library. We've made a lot of them over the years, and there's a lot more where this came from. And we'll see you all next time.
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